I know I make out this blog to be about me, me, me just like every other person out there with a blog.
But in all reality, it isn't.
I'm so focused about myself that I sometimes forget to appreciate the others and the effect they are having in my life
But it's because of those people that I am the way I am.
I guess what I'm trying to say is,
This is for you.
this blog is not only about me, it is about you, and
this is for you.
This is for all the loners and the people that find peace in solitude.
This is for the 2 am lovers in their never-ending struggle between day and night.
This is for my upstairs neighbors who like to live on the wild side, making noise all night.
This is for my nerdy chemistry teacher and his 'social problems' jokes.
This is for my roommate who worries too much about me, while not taking enough time for herself.
This is for little red corvette and her joyous attitude, little sister mindset, and who is able to bring a smile to my face just by talking.
This is for arsenal and her boyfriend, this is for all those nights they spend doing, who knows what in their room, when we promised to have an open door policy, and she is constantly closing the door with him.
This is for teaza (black bolt) who always seems to be trying her hardest to look out for me, when I don't deserve it. This is for the way she is so much a like me I have trouble describing my life, because I feel like I'm just repeating her life back to her. This is for all the nights she stayed up with me, talking, about anything and everything that we wanted to say.
This is for Brian, and his childish attitude, his ways of making me feel stupid whenever I am around him. This is for Sarah, and my wish for her, all I want in life is for her to be happy.
This is for my confusion and bewilderment about how their relationship is at a standstill yet they still talk and act like everything is still the same, he still comes over for math homework and she still sits close and makes him food.
This is for all the introverts that don't see what the big hype is about going out and socializing.
This is for all the extroverts that don't see the appeal of staying home and just reading a book.
This is for robin, who through all the thick and thin has stuck by my side, although we may not talk very often, when we do it feels like we never stopped. we can talk about anything and everything, it doesn't really matter, it just feels good to be talking with her, she just understands my soul on almost a deeper level than almost everyone else.
This is for all the people that I never talk about or talk to, this for you.
This is for the kid from my Biology class that I can't tell if he's flirting with me or not.
This is for all the guys that Ashley is going to meet on tinder and randomly invite over to our apartment to play games.
This is for all the people I do and used to work with, and all the mocked that commenced through that job.
This is for the weirdos, the strangers, the insane, the crazy, the disturbed,
this is for you.
This is for the kid in my Social Problems class that I'm pretty sure doesn't know any English.
This is for the dude in the Media Lab that knows that all I want is a camera every time I walk through the doorway.
This is for the lonely, lost, and abandoned.
This is for the jocks that laugh about inappropriate jokes.
This is for the people that are studying in the library all day every day.
This is for the people that don't even know that we have a library.
This is for the people that understand sarcasm and return it back.
This is for the people that stare at me, confused, whenever I say a sarcastic comment.
This is for the kids with ADHD that just want to tell you about the soggy piece of bread on the side of the road that to them had a funny face on it.
This is for the people who manage to get up at the crack of dawn to go running in the brisk winter weather.
This is for the people that cherish the moments of extra sleep in a warm comfortable bed.
This is for the people with scars hiding under their clothing.
This is for the kid in my stage craft class that only ever responds with an 'okay' and has earned the name 'Okay Jason'.
This is for the individuals that stay up at night pondering the existence of their lives.
This is for the people that even wonder why they are still alive.
This is for the people that can't sleep because of the nightmares.
You, this is for you.
This is for everyone,
but especially,
You.
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Saturday, September 24, 2016
Dear Mama
Dear Mama,
Mama said that you that I'm your angel, your favorite sarcastic, your baby.
What happened to those thoughts when you open your mouth.
"you look like a wreck in that outfit"
"everyone will think you are dressed like a man."
But why should I care?
Why should what they think matter?
Cause nothing hurts me more than to hear you point out that my thighs have gotten fatter or my stomach sticks out too much in that shirt or that my ears stick out from underneath my hat.
I'm either your beautiful angel of a daughter or that tomboy disappointment.
But when I oppose you tell me "oh child of mine, you need to just calm down and listen.
You're just a little too rough, a little too tough, you need to smile more, be more friendly. But not too much because then you'll look like a whore.
You need to wear more things to make you look like a girl and not like a boyish freak."
I either eat too much or not enough
I'm either too thin or too thick, too fat or too skinny
But Mamma, why can't you hear me?
I have my own body, the body that you passed down to me,
so how can you shame me like that?
These long fingers, this straight, flat hair, this pale skin, you're the one that blessed these gifts upon me.
So how can you say the ugly things that you do about my body?
These questions are not out of spite for you neither contempt or disdain. I just wish that you would take the time to contemplate the words you are always saying because I can't spend another day listening to your internalized hate.
For years and years I've tried not to let it bother me but i can't anymore because women need to learn to live in harmony.
Divide and conquer. That's how they keep us down. That's how they hold us back. They make you feel shameful for the skin that you're in, and see to it that we pass it on to the next of kin
But that's gotta stop mama.
We can't be about that life anymore.
I just want to love my body, blank, and know that you won't see me as just another (tomboy)
That you'll still be able to think of me positively.
That you'll be able to see me for more than just, my body.
Mama. you say that I'm a pretty girl, I'm your angel, your baby, your star, your world
But if this is true mama, if this is fact,
I need you to stop saying the hurtful things you say to me
I need you to have my back
I need you to be there for everything,
with positive comments not comments to stab me in the back
I need you.
Mama said that you that I'm your angel, your favorite sarcastic, your baby.
What happened to those thoughts when you open your mouth.
"you look like a wreck in that outfit"
"everyone will think you are dressed like a man."
But why should I care?
Why should what they think matter?
Cause nothing hurts me more than to hear you point out that my thighs have gotten fatter or my stomach sticks out too much in that shirt or that my ears stick out from underneath my hat.
I'm either your beautiful angel of a daughter or that tomboy disappointment.
But when I oppose you tell me "oh child of mine, you need to just calm down and listen.
You're just a little too rough, a little too tough, you need to smile more, be more friendly. But not too much because then you'll look like a whore.
You need to wear more things to make you look like a girl and not like a boyish freak."
I either eat too much or not enough
I'm either too thin or too thick, too fat or too skinny
But Mamma, why can't you hear me?
I have my own body, the body that you passed down to me,
so how can you shame me like that?
These long fingers, this straight, flat hair, this pale skin, you're the one that blessed these gifts upon me.
So how can you say the ugly things that you do about my body?
These questions are not out of spite for you neither contempt or disdain. I just wish that you would take the time to contemplate the words you are always saying because I can't spend another day listening to your internalized hate.
For years and years I've tried not to let it bother me but i can't anymore because women need to learn to live in harmony.
Divide and conquer. That's how they keep us down. That's how they hold us back. They make you feel shameful for the skin that you're in, and see to it that we pass it on to the next of kin
But that's gotta stop mama.
We can't be about that life anymore.
I just want to love my body, blank, and know that you won't see me as just another (tomboy)
That you'll still be able to think of me positively.
That you'll be able to see me for more than just, my body.
Mama. you say that I'm a pretty girl, I'm your angel, your baby, your star, your world
But if this is true mama, if this is fact,
I need you to stop saying the hurtful things you say to me
I need you to have my back
I need you to be there for everything,
with positive comments not comments to stab me in the back
I need you.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
safety mode
Power on
Settings > Safety Mode Activated
Do you want to boot into safety mode? This mode will need access to your whole phone and personal life. It will help to protect you, until you are ready to move on.
Accept.
To turn off safety mode go to settings > safety mode > off.
Incoming Message
It's her.
Ignore, hide away, do not notify
This person hurt you, I'm going to protect you from being hurt again.
Incoming call.
It's them.
Ignore.
New Voicemail.
Delete. No new voicemails.
Calendar. open.
July 2016
July 28, 2016
No events for that day.
Deleted.
Because it was them, that day makes you think of them.
open Messaging. open conversation with them.
Messaging has unexpectedly crashed. Please try again later.
open Facebook.
seeing them and their happy life updates is not improving your life.
unfriend. settings > Do not show me updates from this person.
open Snapchat > ... ____ has not viewed your story
this is not healthy to be constantly checking if they have viewed your story.
Remove as Snapchat friend?
Yes.
open Youtube.
yes watch some funny videos to get your mind off them, off what happened.
search > what do to after...
No results have been found.
Recommended > Best Fails of the Week 2 January 2016 FailArmy
open Gallery > IMG84432
Image cannot be located. it may have been moved, renamed, or removed.
open Pinterest, search pinners and boards. Name: them.
We couldn't find anyone matching those descriptions.
Google Resturaunts > Reviews.
2.5 out of 5 stars
"Really good food, but without any company it will remind you of them, would not recommend at this time while safety mode is still activated."-SM
open Amazon.com. Recently Bought.
Items related to what you recently bought. -No Results
open Pandora. 80's cardio.
I Promise by When In Rome.
skip.
Take on Me by a-ha
change stations to Twenty One Pilots Radio
Car Radio
skip.
....
Settings > safety mode > off
Are you sure that you are ready to turn off Safety Mode?
Yes.
Settings > Safety Mode Activated
Do you want to boot into safety mode? This mode will need access to your whole phone and personal life. It will help to protect you, until you are ready to move on.
Accept.
To turn off safety mode go to settings > safety mode > off.
Incoming Message
It's her.
Ignore, hide away, do not notify
This person hurt you, I'm going to protect you from being hurt again.
Incoming call.
It's them.
Ignore.
New Voicemail.
Delete. No new voicemails.
Calendar. open.
July 2016
July 28, 2016
No events for that day.
Deleted.
Because it was them, that day makes you think of them.
open Messaging. open conversation with them.
Messaging has unexpectedly crashed. Please try again later.
open Facebook.
seeing them and their happy life updates is not improving your life.
unfriend. settings > Do not show me updates from this person.
open Snapchat > ... ____ has not viewed your story
this is not healthy to be constantly checking if they have viewed your story.
Remove as Snapchat friend?
Yes.
open Youtube.
yes watch some funny videos to get your mind off them, off what happened.
search > what do to after...
No results have been found.
Recommended > Best Fails of the Week 2 January 2016 FailArmy
open Gallery > IMG84432
Image cannot be located. it may have been moved, renamed, or removed.
open Pinterest, search pinners and boards. Name: them.
We couldn't find anyone matching those descriptions.
Google Resturaunts > Reviews.
2.5 out of 5 stars
"Really good food, but without any company it will remind you of them, would not recommend at this time while safety mode is still activated."-SM
open Amazon.com. Recently Bought.
Items related to what you recently bought. -No Results
open Pandora. 80's cardio.
I Promise by When In Rome.
skip.
Take on Me by a-ha
change stations to Twenty One Pilots Radio
Car Radio
skip.
....
Settings > safety mode > off
Are you sure that you are ready to turn off Safety Mode?
Yes.
Friday, February 19, 2016
beginnings of the galaxies
Dear you,
I found myself alone, wandering one night, like many nights before.
I walked to the edge of a cliff,
I looked to the sky, at all the numberous amounts of stars, galaxies, and planets, and I wondered, I pondered on my existence and overall point in life
I started talking to the moon,
The moon has been my friend, even since I started to cry and shed blood in the time of the moon.
The moon was my only friend, being able to flux and wax and wane as I did during the course of the month.
I cried to the moon, the stars, the galaxies, pleading with them to take me away,
away from this place where I constantly found myself with no one to talk to, loneliness always my only companion, my dark passenger tagging along with me, like a lost puppy, my anger and self-hate towards myself reflected in the scars that covered my body, and the whole world seems to be turned against me. At this time, I felt like I could take no more, I felt the urge of my soul to just lean a little bit further over the edge and let gravity take care of the rest for me.
And at that moment I felt the universe talking to me,
telling me to
WRITE.
Write all my feelings, thoughts, emotions, cares, and mind away.
So I guess, what I'm trying to say is, this isn't for me,
this is for you.
People always explain that the stars is filled with endless emptiness,
the sky is not filled with emptiness it's filled with more things than ever gets expressed.
It's filled with worries, anquish, teenage angst, worries of a parent, the stresses of becoming an adult. All the different phases of life, with the worst feelings spread out into the galaxy.
It's filled with me,
it is me,
it's everything I am, want to become, and hope to be.
and through it, my life is expressed.
I found myself alone, wandering one night, like many nights before.
I walked to the edge of a cliff,
I looked to the sky, at all the numberous amounts of stars, galaxies, and planets, and I wondered, I pondered on my existence and overall point in life
I started talking to the moon,
The moon has been my friend, even since I started to cry and shed blood in the time of the moon.
The moon was my only friend, being able to flux and wax and wane as I did during the course of the month.
I cried to the moon, the stars, the galaxies, pleading with them to take me away,
away from this place where I constantly found myself with no one to talk to, loneliness always my only companion, my dark passenger tagging along with me, like a lost puppy, my anger and self-hate towards myself reflected in the scars that covered my body, and the whole world seems to be turned against me. At this time, I felt like I could take no more, I felt the urge of my soul to just lean a little bit further over the edge and let gravity take care of the rest for me.
And at that moment I felt the universe talking to me,
telling me to
WRITE.
Write all my feelings, thoughts, emotions, cares, and mind away.
So I guess, what I'm trying to say is, this isn't for me,
this is for you.
People always explain that the stars is filled with endless emptiness,
the sky is not filled with emptiness it's filled with more things than ever gets expressed.
It's filled with worries, anquish, teenage angst, worries of a parent, the stresses of becoming an adult. All the different phases of life, with the worst feelings spread out into the galaxy.
It's filled with me,
it is me,
it's everything I am, want to become, and hope to be.
and through it, my life is expressed.
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